Post Your Jokes Here Thread...

Drunk or just talkative? This is the place for you..

TOMMY COOPER LIVES!!!!!!

Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Thu Feb 08, 2007 3:49 pm

In the style of Tommy Cooper


So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
"Analogue." Isaid "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The blokesaid "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guysaid, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said,"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue . I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
Isaid, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah"
and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop
I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


My Dad sent me these... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [UF]NiTrOz » Thu Feb 08, 2007 6:41 pm

LOL! :rofl: :lol:
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Postby Zeus » Thu Feb 08, 2007 9:14 pm

Really liked the ABBA thingie. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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banned from tescos

Postby [Aliens]scarlet » Mon Feb 12, 2007 1:51 pm

This letter was recently sent to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and us of the Tesco
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all
verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what
happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing
department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if
she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people
just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the securitycamera; used it as
a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew
where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle,
practiced the "Madonnalook" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over
the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO!
It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut
the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no
toilet paper in here."


Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager



:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby pagan » Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:26 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
[Aliens]Pagan
Youre a bum
Youre a punk
Youre an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God its our last

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Postby Spadess » Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:30 pm

haha brill 8)
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Postby [Aliens]WITTY » Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:59 pm

LMAO :lol:
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Postby ACE » Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:05 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Tue Feb 13, 2007 9:00 pm

A man goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor says, 'I can't give you a double dose.' 'Why not?' asks the man. iits not safe,' says the doctor. 'But I need it really badly,' says the man. 'My girlfriend is coming to see me Friday night, my ex-wife will be here saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday, so I need a double dose.' On hearing this, the doctor agrees. 'Ok, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you've suffered any side-effects.' On Monday, the man drags himself into the doctor's surgery with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, 'What happened to you?' The man replies, 'No one showed up!'
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Postby Spadess » Tue Feb 13, 2007 9:08 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: good one's
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:31 am

This is for swedish only i have no time to translate so if anyone wants to do it feel free to DO!

Snickaren på våning 3 upptäckte att han glömt sågen längst ner.
Han försöker ropa till sin kollega på våning1, men avståndet var för stort.

Han pekar på sig själv (jag),
nöp ihop benen å vred sig (behöver),
drog armarna fram och tillbaka (såg).
Kompisen på våning 1 nickade, och började onanera!

Snickaren på våning 3 blev förbannad och sprang ner för trappan.

-Va fan, är du dum? Jag ville bara ha en såg!
-Ja jag förstod det. Jag försökte bara berätta att "Jag kommer snart".
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Postby [Aliens]Falconer » Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:59 pm

Here's the translation mates!

The carpenter on the third floor discovered that he had forgotten his saw...
He tries to yell down to his partner down on the bottom floor, but it was too far.

He points to himself (I),
crosses his legs and starts twitching (need)
and starts yanking his arms back and forth (a saw).
The partner down on the bottom floor nods his head and starts masturbating!!!

The carpenter up on third floor gets pissed off, and heads down the stairs.

-"What the hell, are you stupid or something? All I wanted was a saw!"
-"Yeah, I got that. I just tried to tell you that "I'm coming soon"."

Cheers boss, that was a goodie :lol: :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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"Son, how would you like to play for Man United?"
"No thanks sir. I've had a better offer."
"What could be better than Man United?"
"Man City!"
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Fri Mar 30, 2007 2:24 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby ACE » Fri Mar 30, 2007 3:09 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Fri Mar 30, 2007 3:37 pm

Yes and tanx for translate! :o
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