Post Your Jokes Here Thread...

Drunk or just talkative? This is the place for you..

Postby Spadess » Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:12 pm

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

OPENING CEREMONY the Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.



THE EVENTS In previous Olympics Liverpool 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:



100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 meters behind the athletes.



110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.



HAMMER the competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.



WEIGHTLIFTING from standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.



FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.



SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbors youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.



BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.



CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.



CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.



TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.



MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.



THE MARATHON a safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.



MEN'S 50Km WALKS Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool ?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.



RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.



ARCHERY each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.



DISCUS will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.



PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.



GRAFFITI to be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbor’s wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.



BASEBALL each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.



CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'everyone in Liverpool 's a natural comedian you know’. No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:22 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby Spadess » Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:26 am

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Sun Jan 21, 2007 12:28 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby [UF]NiTrOz » Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:49 pm

LOL :rofl: :lol:
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:51 am

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this
very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all
on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
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Postby [Aliens]scarlet » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:03 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Mon Jan 22, 2007 11:12 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Spadess » Mon Jan 22, 2007 3:04 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: nice
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Postby ACE » Mon Jan 22, 2007 3:51 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]WITTY » Sun Feb 04, 2007 7:52 pm

To show how sorry she is, Jade Goody is to convert to Islam, from now on she will be know as Youffat Anugli Fookaa...
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Postby [UF]NiTrOz » Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:25 pm

witty wrote:To show how sorry she is, Jade Goody is to convert to Islam, from now on she will be know as Youffat Anugli Fookaa...

LOL
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Postby pagan » Wed Feb 07, 2007 5:45 pm

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.
[Aliens]Pagan
Youre a bum
Youre a punk
Youre an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God its our last

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Postby Spadess » Wed Feb 07, 2007 5:52 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: its funny because its true..
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Wed Feb 07, 2007 6:16 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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