Post Your Jokes Here Thread...

Drunk or just talkative? This is the place for you..

Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:08 pm

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.


This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.


The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.



The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.



The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:16 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

sides hurt
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Postby [Aliens]Gaz » Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:31 pm

lol good one :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]Gaz » Wed Dec 06, 2006 2:12 pm

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said,
"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

" She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

:lol: :lol:
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Wed Dec 06, 2006 2:26 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby ~{tpp}~lerky » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:42 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol: :lol:

That was great
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Postby ~{tpp}~lerky » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:54 pm

This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with

phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same

three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing

you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"


Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast

if you win. What is your name? First only please."


Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this

wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."


[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch

tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the

rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be

off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question

away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"


And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
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Postby ~{tpp}~lerky » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:56 pm

:lol:

Terrible but thought u might like this one..

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
>
> * a pint of organic milk,
>
> * six free range eggs,
>
> * a litre of orange juice,
>
> * a bag of mixed salad,
>
> * a jar of decaffeinated coffee,
>
> * and a pack of bacon.
>
> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
> drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
> the cashier.
> While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
> stated,
>
> "You must be single."
>
> The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
> intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
> She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
> her marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
> you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The drunk replied, "'cos you're f**king ugly."
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Postby ~{tpp}~lerky » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:59 pm

And this is it now .. :o


> Three men were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
> and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
>
> As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
> and tell his wife."
>
> Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
>
> Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
>
> Bruce says," Where did you get that, Bluey?"
>
> "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
>
> "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
> gave you the beer?"
>
> "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
> to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
>
> She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of
> Fosters you are'."
>
>

:rofl: Take care all

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Postby [UF]Scotts » Thu Dec 14, 2006 6:10 pm

~{tpp}~lerky wrote:~ ~ ~ ~ ~
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"


And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!



:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]WITTY » Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:18 pm

ROFLMFAO :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:35 pm

The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Brown kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam, I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Brown.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
it all in."

Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um....equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.

Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:36 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for
a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay
and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed
and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am and, upon entering the living room
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
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Postby [UF]NiTrOz » Fri Jan 12, 2007 8:24 pm

Apparently Michael Jackson is making a take over bid for Liverpool. The prospect of being spanked at home by 11 kids was too good to pass up!!!!! 8)
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Fri Jan 12, 2007 10:34 pm

[UF]NiTrOz wrote:Apparently Michael Jackson is making a take over bid for Liverpool. The prospect of being spanked at home by 11 kids was too good to pass up!!!!! 8)



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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