Post Your Jokes Here Thread...

Drunk or just talkative? This is the place for you..

Postby [Aliens]Falconer » Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:55 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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"Son, how would you like to play for Man United?"
"No thanks sir. I've had a better offer."
"What could be better than Man United?"
"Man City!"
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Postby [Aliens]acer » Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:40 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:41 am

Thought I'd revive this one, for those that missed it. Showed otehrs at work, its a cracker:



Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.


Ms. Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.


Unfortunately Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts.
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Postby [Aliens]heCKLes » Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:05 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby Troy_2006 » Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:43 pm

:rofl:
Instant classic.. :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:13 pm

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow...


Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.
The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air
Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. Yes, Farqhuar?'

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'


Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined
Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'

Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.


Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'


Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I
know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?'


Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming:

'WHERE THE F --- DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday
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Postby [Aliens]Gaz » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:34 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

good one mate! :lol: :lol:
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:01 pm

LMFAO. BRILLIANT!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:24 pm

Plodding thru some old emails, and this was sent at work. We had a messenger thingy, meant for work, but no-one did.

I've popped my name in there, as Kro :wink:



Jim [13:37]:
Hello Doctor, I need a loan for £100,000 please can you wire it to my account (acccount No.002864376). If not I will tell everyone at your hairdressers that you are sleeping with mike.


Kro [13:39]:
Sure I can, but first you need to give me your PIN as I need this to access your account. And it wasn't Mike, it was his wife.


Jim [13:42]:
Oh My PIN it 4917, is that so you can put the money into one of them ATM machines rather than wiring it. I must say you are a bit of a financial expert. You thought it was his wife but really it was Mike in drag! Imust say you are very helpful!


Kro [13:44]:
not at all, as I always say,' trust me, I am a doctor'. many of my female patients do, and often come in ill, and leave with a smile on their face. Excellent, thanks for the PIN. If you see your statement with less money, this is just an error, as I need to ensure its a legit account before I credit it. Now I come to think of it, his wife did have a


Kro [13:44]:
moustache, but didn't want to say anything to hurt her feelings


Jim [13:58]:
A charmer as well eh doctor!!!!! I trust you implicitly maybe you would like to know the further PIN from my offshore Cayman's account! plish and plosh I see money going out of my account all the time, I took out some volcanoe insurance a bity ago i pay 300 ponds a month, but if a volcanoe was to go off and magma burned my house down they'll pay my mortgage off for me!!!


Kro [14:04]:
Certainly, please do. I have many accounts set up, one at Fort Knox, as I have plenty to invest there. Every month, I deposit hundreds from volca...insurrance deals from arround the world. I can recommend one that is excellent. 'water-safe'. If the sea rises to much, we'll pay for your house should it be immersed in the ocean. £600 a month, what with global warming, etc
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Postby [Aliens]Chrille » Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:53 pm

Hahahahahha great 1 warrior :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
---Work It Harder Make It Better---
--Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger--
----More Than Ever Hour After----
-----Our Work Is Never Over-----
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Sun Oct 19, 2008 5:35 pm

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Cornwall, Sunderland, Wigan, Aberdeen and anywhere in Ireland.
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Postby [Aliens]Falconer » Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:50 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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---------------------------------------------------------------
"Son, how would you like to play for Man United?"
"No thanks sir. I've had a better offer."
"What could be better than Man United?"
"Man City!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:29 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Camaro - If you don´t own one, you´ll never understand!
<<-Bönder är liksom en egen ras, precis som rörmokare och föräldrar->>
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:24 pm

Fyra sextips för att piffa till det i höstmörkret…


Indianen:
Ta tjejen bakifrån. Byt hål utan förvarning och tryck in den så hon skriker.
Ta snabbt handen till och från hennes mun.


Piraten:
Ta tjejen bakifrån. Precis när du ska komma drar du dig ur och spottar henne på ryggen.
När hon tror att det gick för dig och vänder på sig så skjuter du satsen i ögat.
När hon springer iväg med ena handen för ögat så knäar du henne på låret så hon hoppar på ett ben som en pirat.


Spöket:
Ta tjejen bakifrån. Ha en gömd kompis i garderoben och byt snabbt utan att hon märker något.
Spring sen ut och runt huset till fönstret och vinka till henne.


Rodeo:
Ta tjejen bakifrÃ¥n. Ta ett ordentligt tag samtidigt som du lutar dig fram och viskar ”Det här gillar din mamma ocksÃ¥”.
Sen är det bara att se hur länge du kan hÃ¥lla dig kvar…
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Camaro - If you don´t own one, you´ll never understand!
<<-Bönder är liksom en egen ras, precis som rörmokare och föräldrar->>
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Postby [Aliens]Chrille » Mon Nov 24, 2008 6:47 am

hahhahahahhaha :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
---Work It Harder Make It Better---
--Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger--
----More Than Ever Hour After----
-----Our Work Is Never Over-----
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