Post Your Jokes Here Thread...

Drunk or just talkative? This is the place for you..

Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:21 pm

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.





Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:23 pm

Subject: Oxymorons



An Oxymororn is a contradiction of terms. here are a few:-



Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy War

Found Missing

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable Housing

Great Depression

United Nations

Death Benefits

Airline Food

Womens rights

Good Grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

government Organization

Everything Except

Civil War

Alone together

Living Dead

Small Crowd

Business ethics

Happy families

Military Intelligence

New and improved

Rap music

Postal Service
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Postby [Aliens]Gaz » Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:23 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby [Aliens]Falconer » Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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---------------------------------------------------------------
"Son, how would you like to play for Man United?"
"No thanks sir. I've had a better offer."
"What could be better than Man United?"
"Man City!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
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Postby [Aliens]Falconer » Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:29 pm

The Simpsons:

Groundskeeper Willie:

It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies.
Like Englishmen and Scots!
Or Welshmen and Scots!
Or Japanese and Scots!
Or Scots and other Scots!

Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!!!! :x :x :x

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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"Son, how would you like to play for Man United?"
"No thanks sir. I've had a better offer."
"What could be better than Man United?"
"Man City!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
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Postby [Aliens]Warriorjock » Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:33 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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WHO DARES WINS
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Postby [Aliens]acer » Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:14 am

Two Cowboys are talking, one asks the other.
-What's your favourite sex position?
-I don't really know, says the other.
-What's yours?
-I like the Rodeo position, replies the first.
-What's that? asks the second Cowboy.
-Well, says the first. You get your girlfriend on all fours and take her from behind.
-Then reach around and cup her breasts in your hands and say.
-WOW! These feel just like your sister's!

Then you just hang on for as long as you can!
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:57 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Camaro - If you don´t own one, you´ll never understand!
<<-Bönder är liksom en egen ras, precis som rörmokare och föräldrar->>
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:28 pm

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen very carefully for.... the.... last....f**king time, I said..... 'BRING POSSE'

:D :D :D
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:29 pm

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpetedarea.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department andtold shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and aCalor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in theHousewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager

:D :D :D
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:32 pm

Great reading scy, loved the shopping story :o :o :o
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Camaro - If you don´t own one, you´ll never understand!
<<-Bönder är liksom en egen ras, precis som rörmokare och föräldrar->>
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The clever pet shop owner

Postby [Aliens]G.Freem@n » Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:03 pm

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only R20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!

:)
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Postby [Aliens]solifer » Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:07 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Camaro - If you don´t own one, you´ll never understand!
<<-Bönder är liksom en egen ras, precis som rörmokare och föräldrar->>
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Postby [Aliens]kronenbourg » Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:29 pm

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand.
'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
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Postby =1PARA=Assassin » Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:02 pm

LMFAO... BRILLIANT!!!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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